SAN DIEGO (Wireless Flash) – All of us at Wireless Flash want to wish you a very happy holiday season.
As you may know, there are only three days a year when Wireless Flash doesn’t provide you with a regular daily feed: Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day.
For our Christmas Eve feed, we are offering you a special “Nutty 9: 2001’s Most Bizarre News Stories.” These are the top nine strangest stories exclusively generated by Wireless Flash in the past year and they make for a perfect year-in-review special.
This feed not only contains the “Nutty 9” reprinted as they originally appeared in Wireless Flash, it also includes current phone numbers for the story subjects so you can catch up with them yourself. In addition, Wireless Flash editors are available to discuss the stories. Contact David Moye, Greg Fogg or Elaine Camuso at (619) 220-7191.
So, are dumb people really more sexually attractive than the rest of us? Is a Pennsylvania man really offering his bald head as a human billboard?
The answers to those questions – and more – are here in the “Wireless Flash Nutty 9 for 2001.”
LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) – January 11, 2001 – “Beverly Hillbilly” Buddy Ebsen is turning author with a new novel.
The 92-year-old Ebsen has just finished a love story titled “Kelly’s Quest” (1stbooks), which tells the story of a strong-willed female Hollywood stagehand who begins a quest for “Mr. Right.”
Ebsen says the lead character was inspired by a female electrician who worked on the set of his 1970s-era detective show “Barnaby Jones.”
However, the novel isn’t exactly rated PG. One passage begins: “Kelly watched them doing it on the bed. There were brief flashes of nakedness from beneath the covers and panting, moaning sounds from the girl’s parted lips.”
Ebsen doesn’t think fans of his family-oriented TV shows will mind his literary references to “Kelly’s well-formed, jeans-filling, derriere” because, as he puts it, “I don’t use words that you don’t find in any other book or motion picture.”
NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) – October 16, 2001 – A researcher claims stupid people can often be more sexually attractive than eggheads.
Siberian-born sex expert Anya Deva says so-called “dumb people” have sex more often because they have more of a “sexual vibe” than smart people.
Deva claims more intelligent types tend to think too much, ignore their body’s sexual desires and worry too much about how well they’re performing in the sack.
She says this explains why dumb blondes often get asked out more often than prettier, “smarter” folks.
Deva says smart people who want to lose some of their brainy inhibitions should try attending a orgy, which she claims is a great place to learn how to “relax and listen to the body.”
DELRAY BEACH, Fla. (Wireless Flash) – November 29, 2001 – Budget-strapped airlines are cutting back on everything – including air sickness bags. But flight attendants aren’t happy.
One Florida-based flight attendant, Tim Kirkwood, says airlines are cutting costs by eliminating barf bags from the rear pockets of seats.
Kirkwood says the shortage has translated into a rise in messy accidents as nauseated passengers lose their lunches on the cabin floor simply because bags aren’t available.
Children have been most affected by the shortage because adults can usually scramble to the bathroom just in time.
Even so, Kirkwood says the adults often vomit in the sink instead of the toilet, leaving another mess for flight attendants to clean up.
ERIE, Pa. (Wireless Flash) – September 18, 2001 – A Pennsylvania man is offering the use of his head as a human billboard.
24-year-old Brandon Wertz says he’s willing to become a walking billboard for a sponsor by having a corporate logo, advertisement or slogan tattooed onto his bald head.
To make it worth his time and effort, Wertz is asking the company to employ his scalp services for at least five years at $50,000 per year. The advertiser will also have to pay the medical costs to remove the tattoo once the contract expires.
So far, Wertz has only been contacted by one company – an internet start-up firm which he turned down because it sounded too risky.
You can check out his pitch at www.sponsormymelon.com.
GALT, Calif. (Wireless Flash) – June 26, 2001 – It sounds like a crappy way to make a buck but a California man is turning his dogs’ doo-doo into a big business.
Rick Garloff is the creator of a service called Dog-Crap.com, which allows angry individuals to get revenge on their enemies by sending them a pile of real dog doo via the mail.
For $12, Garloff will vacuum-seal a pound of fresh dog poo in a fancy package and send it to the person you hate.
His business partners – a Great Dane and a Siberian Husky – are reportedly more than happy to help out with the enterprise.
Garloff insists he’s heard nothing but positive response from his customers over his poo-poo delivery service.
PHILADELPHIA (Wireless Flash) – January 8, 2001 – Musician Chubby Checker is adding a new twist to the snack food business: He’s launching a line of beef jerky.
The 59-year-old king of the “Twist” says his new meat snacks will come in flavors that include “Hot Twist Hickory,” “Sugar Twist Teriyaki” and something called “Invisible Strength Hickory Flavor of the Forces.”
Checker says the jerky is just the beginning of an entire line of Chubby snacks which will include Chubby Checker hot dogs and Chubby Checker chocolate.
The new beef jerky line will make its debut at a food trade show in Illinois next weekend and, later this month, Checker will introduce the “Twistasizer” – an exercise machine modeled after his famous dance.
SAN FRANCISCO (Wireless Flash) – February 20, 2001 – Do you suffer from a fear of clowns? Then you might want to pay a visit to “Ouchy, The Clown” in San Francisco.
The 38-year-old Ouchy makes a living helping people overcome their fear of clowns, partly by dominating them while he wears make-up and big clown feet.
Ouchy says he became inspired to become one of the world’s only “clown dominators” after watching an adult movie that featured kinky clowns.
Ever since, he’s been using bad jokes, horns, cream pies and electrical shocks to help both male and female clown phobics.
It may seem like a big joke, but Ouchy claims he’s serious and says overcoming clown phobia is a matter of trusting the clown when he dominates you.
VAN NUYS, Calif. (Wireless Flash) – May 11, 2001 – What works for Army recruits might work for wannabe adult film stars.
A retired United States Army major-turned-porn actor says he plans on offering a series of real-life boot camps for aspiring erotic actors and actresses.
Rod Fontana says his "booty camps" will be similar to Army boot camps except recruits will be trained in the athletic techniques used in X-rated films.
He claims adult film acting is physically strenuous and is hard work even for well-trained gymnasts.
Fontana hasn’t set a date for his first booty camp, but he’s scheduled to make a training film next week in Los Angeles.
PENSACOLA, Fla. (Wireless Flash) – March 23, 2001 – You’ve heard of flying blind, but what about wrestling blind?
That’s exactly what a sightless stuntman in Pensacola, Florida, hopes to do within the next month.
Mike Danger wants to test his mettle against the grapplers in the World Wrestling Federation, and plans to show up at an upcoming match in hopes of throwing himself into the ring.
The blind wrestler’s motto is “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I’m not afraid of anything I can’t see.”
The 150-pound Danger feels he has at least a 50/50 chance at knocking out some WWF heavyweights by using his own moves including one he calls his “Blind-As-A-Bat Splat.”
SAN DIEGO (Wireless Flash) – Celebrities just couldn’t keep their secrets safe from Wireless Flash in 2001. Here are some of our favorite star confessions from the interviews we conducted in the past year.
“He said ‘Mom, I’m going to put you in a pine box,”’ Eminem’s mom, Debbie Mathers, recalling a phone conversation with her son after she agreed to drop her lawsuit against him.
“She’s the sweetest, nicest lady you ever want to meet,” Erik Estrada, confessing his secret crush on Weakest Link host Anne Robinson.
“I haven’t had plastic surgery for years. I don’t want that ‘pulled’ look,” Phyllis Diller, on why she’ll never go under the knife again.
“It’s hard to wear seven-inch heels when you get older,” former KISS drummer Peter Criss, explaining why he’s decided to ditch his Kabuki costumes and become a jazz singer.
“This has never happened to me before – but I have to go pee,” Elton John, just before walking offstage during a San Diego concert.
“Everyone knows I prefers blondes,” gay porn actor Brandon Slater, on why he would never be attracted to Tom Cruise, even if the actor was gay.